I have no idea really.
Up and down I guess.
I have an awful lot I could say but it all feels too close. My personal editor is telling me also that since this 'ere will hopefully survive in some form or other in perpetuity, Nora would probably not like to read very painful things about the death of her Grandad, who she thought was fairly amazing.
My memory has seemed even worse than usual this week, understandably so I can't remember which Greek Philospher it was who described consciousness as being shadows playing on the back of a cave wall (approx). At present, it feels as if that is almost certainly true, plus there is a mighty poster of John tacked in the middle of the wall. Unavoidable and consciously there in the back of my mind, regardless of what I do. I imagine that might get to the point of at least dimming occasionally.
I got through the day ok yesterday at work, then at home I said to McK that I felt guilty because I feel like I should be being more distraught or something - more incapable, after such a momentous, cataclismic event. McK said "Well what do you think your Dad would say about that?". I told him "Well, he'd say 'What a load of old bollocks' probably".
That is what he would say, and I felt so immeasurably sad that he couldn't say it, it took me a while to stop the tears and the snot.
Not only does it not feel real, it is so incredibly, unbearably wrong I am nauseous with the confusion of it.
Now, returning to the subject, I'm also aware that O and Steve read this and our grief is something very personal between ourselves. I'm not sure that they really want to read me wailing on about it either, so I may not post too much about it.
Anyway. we're sorting out a sort of legacy website thing which will probably just be another typepad blog with a domain mapped to it - mostly for nora's benefit in the long term, but also very much for our benefit to be able to write about John whenever we want. So that's how I may keep it seperate to this.
So - now some day to day motherhood type stuff.
