Previous month:
July 2003
Next month:
September 2003


You know, this pregnancy thing is beginning to take a downturn.

- My back is beginning to inexorably curve beyond my control
- I have muscle pain in the sides of my groin and down my right leg which, to be honest don't affect me whilst I'm standing up or walking, but the second I'm lying down are so uncomfortable, I woke up about ten times last night
- My heartburn is now excrutuating at times. So bad that whereas - ok, I'm making the assumption that you get heartburn. But when you do, what tends to happen is that you get a sharp pain then it dies away in a sort of burning sensation for about 5 - 10 seconds top whack, right? Ok. Imagine the sharp pain bit not stopping for about 2 minutes. It hurts so much I've nearly been sick in the last few days. My Mum, bless her heart picked me up from the airport and realised what was going on. Sprog moves in to breach position, and basically ends up standing up in my belly with her head pressed up against my stomach. So it doesn't matter what I eat. It's basically irrelevant. Anti-acids are going to do fuck all either. So. Tod, I love her said, "Well move her round then". Eh? She showed me how to gently massage the top of my belly and basically push the wee cow away from my stomach. She's not quite big enough for me to feel completely but I can sense her moving as I get better at it. Bless Tod! She's a godsend. This is what we need in life - more practical Mums who have had 3 kids.
- Lastly, the flight has finally caught up with me. I woke up with a catch in my throat and looked in the bathroom mirror - back of throat currently resembles chopped liver. Get to work, turns out one guy's off sick and two other people in the office also have the sore throat. I really should have taken extra vit C and garlic and immune system boosters coming off the plane. What an eeeeediot.


So - here I am at work to have a meeting and pick up a bunch of stuff and take it back home with me. Meanwhile, two friends in The Grauniad this morning:

Danny gets to be his blessedly optimistic self properly in paid print:

Auntie's Digital Revelation

...and Tom gets to ramble on about the usual ;)

Second sight

I promise I will ramble on about the holiday later.

Yes, I am back

...from British Columbia. But, I am still battling jetlag, extreme heartburn and a newly fucked up set of muscles along the bottom of my belly going in to my right leg. God knows what she's doing - maybe twanging them for a laugh.

And I'm big. Hooooooo boy. Anyway. A BC update will arrive probably by the weekend repleate with many slightly over the top phrases and gushy outbursts.

Meanwhile getting back in to work, etc and trying to get my head straight for sleeping correctly takes precedence.

Continue reading "Yes, I am back" »

Upsetting incident

Go shopping after work to the one remaining Mothercare in central London, Marble Arch.

Opposite side of road - M&S. the Oxford Street M&S people said the Marble Arch one had a maternity section so I go on. Apparently they don't but they do sell tights - so I'm thinking - hmmm..... plane flight, support tights - could be better than knee highs that could fuck my legs up a bit... go upstairs.

Sitting down crying softly to himself with a pair of crutches is a little boy. Poor wee thing, I think. His Mum must be getting something for him. He starts to cry harder and an M&S person goes by, he sobs, "Can you get my Mum, that lady, can you get her, it hurts... it hurts..."

Looking at his leg, he has an horrific looking lump on the front of his leg that looks frighteningly infected, swollen and awful. I stand with this woman watching the scene in dumb shock. We talk about what we can do - there's nothing we can do surely, my God, I can't stand this.... woman walks off in horror.

I begin to walk away thinking "Jesus, there must be something..."

I can't walk away. How could anyone walk away. The little boy is desperately upset and in a hell of a lot of pain. I mean you can tell, when someone's crying whether it's real or emotional. I go and hold his hand and say firmly "What is your name. I will get the shop to put out a message so your Mum will come". He stutters his name and I mishear it, so I repeat it back to him and he nods his head, weeping.

I go to the counter, and wait a moment - the boy's cries can be heard all over the shop now. He's started to get in to that terrible spiral of hysterical crying.

"There's a little boy here in terrible distress, his name is XXX (can't remember) and I want you to put out a message for his Mother to come and collect him imediately"

By some amazing chance, his Mum is there at the counter. She says with some irritation "He's mine, it's alright" - she's been buying underwear!!! She begins to saunter back to the boy, looking at products as she goes - frankly, I've never seen anything like it in my life. She eventually gets to the boy and stands in front of him screaming.

"Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!!".. and so it continued....

At which point I HATE myself, hormonal tears start pricking innto my eyes through sheer amazement and horror. Damn it. Damn it!!! I wanted to take that woman by the shoulders and say to her - what the hell do you think you are doing? He needs to be at home with an ice pack on his leg! Get him home! He needs your love not your abuse! Instead there I am walking away with tears pouring down my damn face.

I also had a strong wish to just slap the stupid bloody woman round the face and wake her up. What made her react like that - embarrassment? What the hell was she doing taking her poor kid shopping for fucks sake? On a sweltering day, in the west end! Anything, ANYTHING with the exception of medicine for him should have waited until he was safely at home with pain killers and at the very least a packet of frozen peas on his leg - he'd obviously just been to hospital or something.

And me being so bloody weak. It made me curse myself. Although not one to think this kind of thing normally, I really wish Mackay had been there with me. Together we could have controlled that situation, got them in to a cab, paid for a fucking cab, I don't care, and got him home. What sort of woman.... what sort of mother. Jesus.

Whatever happens in my life, I hope to God if I ever got to the point of abusing my child in a situation anything approaching that, someone would intervene and make me realise what I was doing. And I'm damn well intervening if I ever see anything like that again.

Meanwhile... exhaustion

Look. I know I shouldn't say it and I sincerely wish everyone else to have lovely lunch hours or days off getting bright lobster red under this sun and in this scorching heat but can I please be allowed to live in a little autumnal, cloudy, cool zone of my own, with a small light grey "cloud cover" type cloud overhead and a cool breeze but no chance of rain?

Can I?

No sleep last night. Misery today. 34 degrees tomorrow. That'll be higher, without a doubt. They said 30 yesterday and it went higher than that. Depressingly, the erstwhile sunny but fresh Vancouver area appears to be 29 degrees today - no, I am completely wrong and should not reply on the BBC. Vancouver waether says it's 22 degrees today and will be hmmm... slightly more bearable than here, 24 degrees on Friday. 22 is goooood however. I like 22.


Liz Stevens, the Community midwife came over last night. She reminded me a lot of Polly actually. Very practical, down to earth and knowledgeable.

And now I'm having her at home. Yay!

Not only that, but... it was just such a relief someone just... taking over a load of post-decision making actions. Nearly everything I've done so far has been off my own bat, fighting indifference, inefficiency and overworked people. Last night, she said - oh sure, I'll sort out the home birth pool, the this, the that... I nearly burst in to tears with relief.

As I said to Liz, I'm not going to "Earth mother" it and dig my heels in and regfuse medical treatment when it's self evidently obvious I should be in hospital (if that is the case at any point), because the mighty "she" is more important than my ego. But, I just so wanted to be able to have her in a home environment, all nice and calm (as much as possible), watching old films as long as possible, putting on some calming music, my Mum making cups of tea...

Frankly, this is brilliant news.


I've just discovered whilst quickly searching for anything that will help with my workfriend who has excrutiating headaches to deal with at present, poor love.

It just utterly rocks. It's got loads of gubbins in that I haven't read elsewhere (and why not? Why is it you have to go to 3 or 4 info sources to get the right answer? Or any bloody answer?). So here it is talking about ligament pain which would explain a *hell* of alot of weird tweaks and nasty pains I've ben having all the damn time:

"The tissue surrounding and supporting your uterus has more work to do now that your uterus is bigger and heavier. This brings new physical sensations. Large ligaments, called round ligaments, on each side of your uterus attach your uterus to your pelvis. Round ligaments must stretch as your uterus grows. This slow and steady stretching does not itself cause discomfort, but because they are being taxed by change, round ligaments can suddenly become sensitive to normal actions. The most common offender is a sudden change of position. When you twist, or get out of bed in the morning, round ligament strain can cause a gripping pain along one or both sides of your lower abdomen, or even toward your back. While not harmful to baby, this pain can sometimes be excruciating for you. "

You're telling me!

Week 22 and weekend antics

I haven't looked up in my lovely Queen Charlotte book what should be happening in week 22 but I can tell you what *is* happening.

She was awake *loads* yesterday and she seems to favour head on right, feet kicking away on left. Sometimes now I can feel the lump of her head but I'm wary of stroking her when I do realise it's her head, in case I'm squishing her nose or something.

Other news: no midwife on Friday night. Some inconsiderate woman decided to give birth which ballsed up the appt. So she may see me tonight, or Wednesday.

Continue reading "Week 22 and weekend antics" »