Ok, so one minute I'm sitting here reading my email, the next minute I've got tears pouring down my face and I'm crying my head off for no definable reason.
Except for the obvious. Fear, worry... God knows. It's the strangest feeling you know... I'm so drained and knackered with carrying her around, but pretty soon she's going to be out of me and facing life. I'm frightened in a way for all of us. none of us are going to know what to do, really. Well, no. Not frightened exactly. She feels like... she's in a warm cocoon at the moment. She complains about it like hell but at least she's safe from everything. Even if it's draining the life out of me.
I haven't really articulated any of this, so you'll have to bear with me. Well not articulated it until I sat with my hands shielding my eyes and rocking backwards and forwards for about ten minutes just now. It was just a stupid, meaningless comment in an email that set me off in fact. I don't know. I've been in a strange mood all day. Mackay's been letting his tension out by getting all het up about stupid little things too and...
Bleh. Blimey. What the hell happens next. I tell you something, coming up towards the main event, everything's becoming a bit more extreme. The build up is very intense. I just want it to be over so we can get on with the next bit.
I'm sorry, I'm feeling a bit like a half built jigsaw puzzle with bits all askew.
Oh, it was my last day at work yesterday. I was so intensely busy I forgot to say. It felt very strange and alienating. Maybe that's another reason I've been weeping. Like I'm supposed to shed a skin and grow a new one with a "Mother" label sticking out at the back of the neck. then I'm supposed to go back to work in 6 months and just ... what exactly. Carry on as usual? The whole thing's very mussed up in my head presently.
So I thought I'd put on Sugar to cheer me up. What a mistake! Rarely have I heard post-Pixies geetar-pop-rock sound so fucking melancholy. I can hear some friendly, stupid Paul's Boutique coming on....