there are timers over the last week when I have nearly passed out through tiredness. James' teeth and his baby sense of "something's going on" both kicked in to the extent that Monday to Friday he woke up and either he was unable, or I was unable to go back to sleep afterwards, at between 4 and half past. Saturday morning he woke at 2. Sunday morning... 5.40.
I have to admit that in the dark, with James tossing and turning unable to settle, I have at times become so angry with him, I have wanted to shake him, or shove him down on the cot, or something... anything, to explain to him that this stupid lack of ability to get back to sleep is not only not on but not fair. (Doing my best to be frank here in the spirit of what is 'ere thing is supposed to be about). It makes you realise why people with much lower breaking points do indeed shake their babies to death, or hurt them in some way - you feel totally helpless, unable to articulate anything to them in a way that they will stop, and your primary communication with the baby is through touch and vision. Couple that with tiredness such as you have never experienced, where your mind seems as if it's actually leaking out of your ears... it is far from surprising that you hear of appalling tragedies sometimes.
Luckily, I am not a woman who could lose her sense of who she was, and could hurt the vulnerable, beautiful little pain in the arse she gave birth to. Sure, I can swear a hell of alot, and feel angry enough to screw up my eyes and yank the sheets back for the tenth time in twenty minutes but Good God, i could no more hurt James than I could hurt my brothers or McK... I could hurt them more easily, of course. James is an extraordinary little being with a smile, and gurgling laugh and shriek that can so easily be provoked it makes me smile to think about it.
I just... sob... wish the little fucker would sleep through.
Other notes for today: Nora's imagination, lego, singing songs together and her rowing sense of confidence. She's magnificent. She has the world at her feet, and it's all she can do to stop playing with it, constantly.