I'll be frank: it's impossible to mourn when you have two young children. I'm not saying that happily. Not unhappily exactly, more a simple statement of fact. from the moment you are woken by James at 6.30 until you've just about stopped putting out the laundry, making the milk up for the morning, preparing breakfast / lunch / snacks (at what - 9.30 at night?) there is zero time for introspection.
I feel numb about it. The disbelief doesn't reduce. I mean it just doesn't reduce at all. It makes so little sense. memories of doing stuff with John are so stupidly, perversely close to 'Now' that taking in the truth of the matter - I will not see him again; he will not be sitting in our garden smoking and raising his eyebrows to me werriting because the smoke is going in the house... he won't give any more great books to Nor.. I won't be ableto share book and film conversations with him anymore. All of those facts are as nought compared to.. I almost snort with the ludicroousness of it - the gut feeling that if I pick up the phone, he'll be there.
FUCK John, you... damnit. what it comes down to is that I don't understand that he's not onthe end ofthe phone. Believe me - you can explain it to me until I'm blue in the face. I can say it back to you, nod earnestly and look thoughtfully sad but it makes no difference. It might as well be some kind of story for all I believe it.
I was going to say that it might as well be some kind of alternate universe type scenarios then, and it reminded me of the various realisations I've made recently, which bear a lot of resenblance to the rational, articulation of critique for the same of argument that one makes, generally, over a glass of wine of a cup of tea but now the truisms behind the thoughts make them seem more obviously, practically true. Please feel free, regardless of the circs here, to take me to task if this doesn't necessarily hold water.
The whole death / religion thing does , obviously come up over and over and it struck me that, my usual, non-educated (by events) stance was to perhaps subconsciously see a split between the religion, holding power over people by spreading bullshit messages about heaven, and the people themselves, who are so grief stricken they'll listen to anything that makes then feel better. Whereas now it seems clear to me that trying to deal with the death of someone extremely close is one of the main reasons religion actually exists in the first place. It's such a cataclysmic event, for many reasons, quite apart from the obvious. The earth cracking horror of it comes not only from the fact that a person who you have unconditional, ballistic levels of love for is no longer there, on a purely practical level, but... well look it's the very core of metaphysics, isn't it? the person who helped to bring you in to the world; who has been one of the few constants throughout your life, is now no longer alive. How the hell are you supposed to cope with that, and with it, the tsunami of realisations: everyone dies; all over the word at every moment, another Father is dying. Another group of people plunged in to darkness by a natural, inevitable event. I now strongly believe that religion was created as a result of this happening. Religions are the way that many have chosen to articulate and explain grief. Because... I don't think any of us *on our own* are capable of dealing with this level of horror. It makes no sense, it's pain on a level so deep, for example, that I can't cry, I merely sit, winded, with a screeing, keening sound coming out. Anything, anything that would explain that John is somehow still extant, on a level that my rationality would accept - I'd grab on to it and squeeze every ounce of explanation out of it. The rationale of heaven, or any other equivalents, must surely have been boiled down from prehistoric man's initial desperate desire to cling on to any rumour, any supposed truism that might make their loved ones appear safe, secure and happy to them. As those concepts grew to be more established, so must a growing orthodoxy around the original ideas. From there comes the inevitability of "keepers" of the idea; power; evilness. etc.
I was going to talk about Nora's way of coming to terms with John's death, which is interesting. I will do, but not now. Too tired. I was also going to mentino the bible's attitude toward children, and hjow in fact it is merely a mirror ofd our own feelings toward children ie: the innocence and delight in their company. But I won't. Goodnight!