Blimey

That was a bit strong, weren't it.

Meanwhile. Here are some resolutions, which are not in fact related to the below in any way. I've been gradually changing my habit of late, to do with eating and drinking, given that the great majority of diet issues are through habitualisation, rather than need.  And it's habitualisation of sorts which hads led to (in classic management stylee):

• A muffin every day at work (low fat! Ha ha - reminds me of Rich's 'Pizza and Diet Coke' gag of old)
• Half a bottle of wine every night. More or less
• Getting the tube every day instead of cycling
• Eating a LOT of 70%+ dark chocolate. this doesn't qualify as every day, but at least 3 days out of 4

The results are almost constant weight gain and almost no decrease in back pain since stopping breastfeeding (and getting my joints back to normal). As a result of those two things (alongside having had a topsy turvy year of wonderfulness with children, and abominably awful in other things) my self esteem is at Lower Ground level right now. You know, I say that, but as usual, I have good days and bad days, as with most things.

So, a week or so ago I did something which could be considered really odd, which was to eat all the home made ice cream I had left in the freezer. I couldn't finish the tub, and threw the rest down the sink. I did it for 2 reasons: a sugar craving and also my desire to have it out of the house. I wanted to feel grossed out. A bit peculiar. On Wednesday, when I was picking the children up, I bought  a small carboard box with 3 luxury dark chocolates in from Sainsburys. I had to shove them in quickly before picking up the kids because  Nora would inevitably want some. One of the carers saw me and she laughed about having done the same thing and ha ha ha. All the time in the back of my head I was replaying what this must have looked like, thinking "Jesus, Cait, that's frankly disgusting!".

So. I really don't want to do anything like that again, despite the fact that, actually, you know - 3 chocolates? I'm not exactly in self-loathing territory about it.

I am not going to not have an afternoon snack, at work - that's stupid. But, I  have bought myself some fruit instead. If I can keep doing that, and keep, and keep and keeeep doing it, then it will become habitual. Buying a muffin as an alternative will start to seem strange.

I have also deliberately not drunk wine more than twice since last week despite it being open, and the idea is to go back to "not on weeknights". I hope I can, because I had the feeling I was becoming borderline dependent.

MY GOD how boring this must be. Next!